bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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