I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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