My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
