i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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