and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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