I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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