I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
