Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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