I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
