yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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