You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
