I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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