just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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