I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
