grandma shit on top of the toilet
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
