You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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