my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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