There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
