I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Green mimosas i think yes
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
