Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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