my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
