There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
