I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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