Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
