Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
