Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
