he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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