When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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