I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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