i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
