i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
