Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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