Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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