saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
