My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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