I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
