WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
