i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
