I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
