***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
