I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
