I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
