Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
