Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
someone owes me an orgasm
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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