My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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