Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
