no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
