Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
