we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
