You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
