"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
