you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
