just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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