dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
