Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
