By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
