I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
