My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
