He asked me if I "almost moaned"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
