I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
