Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize