would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
