you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
